Which of These 4 Soju Mascots Should You Date?

You're lonely. That one hottie you've been trying to get intimate with hasn't been texting back. Life has its ups and downs and this time you're in a severe drought. But that's okay! I'm here to tell you that the love of your life may never come along but soju mascot baddies will always be there for you (to ogle at).

"Wait," you say, "Why should I date a soju mascot? They're not even real." Believe me when I say that the world of soju marketing is fierce and only the best of the best can last in this brutal battlefield of discarded bottles and empty dreams. So don't worry, let's get you the rundown on the six most eligible mascots for you to date.

1. Jinro Chamisul's Toad

He is the original soju mascot king, the bringer of rain and fortune; he is the Jinro Chamisul Toad. This guy may be an old timer, with roots going back to 1954, but he's been putting in work ever since without stopping. My man's a certified veteran whose incredible work ethic and always-youthful energy make him a tried and true classic who gets along with everyone.

You might feel a little uncertain about the age gap. After all, he's probably older than your grandma! But the Toad's been around the block long enough to know how to please anyone he comes across. He's that one guy who can charm his way through an entire room and then some. Whatever fears you have, put them aside; Daddy Toad always has a place in his heart for you.

The Jinro Chamisul Toad is a popular choice who can get along with anyone. Sure he might not be able to see you as much since he's a busy guy but he'll do good on any promises he makes with you. His career didn't last for this long just because of his pretty face, you know.

2. Saero's Gumihos (yes, it's plural)

Chum Churum Saero's Gumihos, referred to as the Saerogumi, are a nine-tailed fox spirit who appears as a female human, male human, or fox. They may be a newcomer on the soju mascot stage but have a special advantage: they're hundreds of years old. With that much time comes a whole lot of experience. The female Saerogumi is a talented surgeon (with a specialty in liver treatment), the male Saerogumi is a shaman and model, and the fox is cute as a button (yes, it's a skill and yes, it's hard). Not to mention, they don't eat humans, which is an insane feat considering fox spirits are known to be carnivorous predators who prey on people's livers.

So why should you date them? Let's start with the whole not-eating-humans thing. They're disciplined, which isn't an easy practice to cultivate, and it shows in their work ethic since they're also holding down three whole jobs. Also, the male and female forms are hot as all hell. Just look at them. You get two smoking-hot partners in one package! Plus, you even get a cute pet* as a bonus. Sure, their whole three-forms-in-one deal is a little complicated, not to mention that the female form being a lover of the male form in a previous life (it's uncertain if they're seeing each other, you'll have to ask them) makes getting with them a non-monogamous situation. But what's important here is that there are more than enough benefits to outweigh the drawbacks.

Saerogumi aren't just a run-of-the-mill mascot who's just there to look pretty. They're a multi-faceted and multi-talented entity who have a whole lot to offer. They're perfect for any polyamorous folks looking for excellent partners as well as high-achievers who seek similar people to share in their success with.

*Just to be safe, Final Arc would like to clarify that the pet-form is not for dating.

3. Won Soju's Jay Park

Before you start asking questions, I know- Why would I put Jay Park as a soju mascot? He's just the owner of his brand, Won Soju, right? It's quite simple, really; he's the de facto mascot because it's his face and fame that are used to advertise it. For those unfamiliar with him, Jay Park is a Korean musician who's had a long career in an unforgiving industry. After showing off his skills in rapping, singing, songwriting, producing, mastering, dancing, marketing, and god knows what else, he's entered the soju market as his latest business venture.

The most obvious asset Park has here is his immense sex appeal. The man's a heartthrob who's captivated hearts all over the world for years. And while charisma on a global scale is amazing, let's not forget about his accomplishments. This guy's been pumping out track after track for years, a clear indication of a solid work ethic. He has high standards and when he commits he commits. Our man's a player in appearance and brand only. He's also driven and never satisfied with mediocrity, so expect a lover who'll never take your affection for granted.

Wait, wait, wait- I get it. I can tell you're a little worried about shacking up with someone so accomplished and motivated. He for sure expects a lot out of himself, so what happens if he wants the same from you? You can rest assured knowing that Park might prefer someone who can bring an equal amount to the table but he's still reasonable. Oppa will take care of you, even if you aren't Tinashe. Don't you worry your pretty little head.

4. Ha Ji Won back when she modeled for Jinro Chamisul

She's not really a "mascot" per se, I'm just a simp, so mascot she is. Ha Ji Won’s a Korean actress who can do it all: action, romance, mystery, horror, and more. You name it and she's probably done it. She's also one of the hottest women on this planet. What am I basing this claim on you say? My friend, this isn't a "claim" but a fact. Perhaps I should repeat it for you- Ha Ji Won's one of the hottest women on this planet. Make me repeat it, motherfucker, I dare you, I double dare you-

Ahem, pardon me. Now where was I- Oh, yes. What would stop you from dating one of the hottest women on this planet (fact)? She's not only an actress but a martial artist, philanthropist, singer, dancer, fashion designer, writer, and an entrepreneur. Look at all that talent! I'm not saying she's an amazing mascot to date- she is the perfect mascot to date.

You might have noticed by now in previous paragraphs that I mentioned a potential pitfall of dating a mascot before countering with why it's not a pitfall after all. I'm happy to report that there's no pitfall with Ha Ji Won. After all, she's one of the hottest women on this planet (FACT). And who'd be the best fit for her, you say? Why, me of course. I'd say someone who enjoys supporting their busy and high-achieving partner who never fails to make them swoon with that shining smile of hers.

Who should you choose?

I don't blame you if you're feeling uncertain. Who wouldn't be a little overwhelmed in the face of four terrific potential dates? When in doubt, here's some advice to help you out. As someone who's given tons of love advice over the years (no, I'm not qualified), the key here is striking a balance between looks and personality. Yes, your partner's looks are important and so is getting along with them. Both matter and finding a good mix of the two is how you'll find balance in your perceptions of your partner.

But if you're still stuck, then here's the correct answer: Ha Ji Won.

Justin's many things: Memer, designer, developer, game maker, Tarot reader, writer, and more. Now he's a keyboard monkey for Final Arc (don't tell them he said that). Website: heyjustinkim.com